The Regret and Appreciation

As warm tears of sadness roll down my cheeks, I reflect on what an impact the above picture has had on me. I fought the feeling to write around the emotions that surfaced, but for me to look forward, I must confront those emotions.


Like most people, I have a few regrets. I see now that I didn't appreciate certain things in my life. Now that I have an appreciation, I feel deep regret.


I have had to survive and I relied on the information of others to much, and that is how I based my decisions. I let others run my thinking and in return I have regrets.


My Mum would of spent many hours making me the patch work quilt, and sowing all the ribbons I had won over the years together as a blanket. At the time I was, or thought I was, appreciative for that, but now I don't think I was.


The honest truth is, I have no idea where the patch work quilt is, and the ribbon blankets I threw away. Yes I know, fucking silly bitch. Believe me I have beaten myself up over that.


But, I was lost in my thinking and thinking I was pleasing God, I threw them out. It had to do with worshipping idols. The longing to compete and win, apparently it can be viewed as idol worship. I think this is bullshit now, but then, I believed it was what I had to do.


I am ashamed of my actions. I am embarrassed to face my feat. I can only hope Mum's disapproval would be over looked in hindsight. I know Mum may of felt disappointed, because she always wanted to do things for me, to make up for the lack when we were separated. That's why I feel so shitty.


I hate myself for doing so. Oh Mum, please forgive me for being such an ungratefully daughter. If I could turn the clock back, I would, but I can't guarantee under the same circumstances I wouldn't do it differently. It is only know that I see the error of my way and if I'd only had today's knowledge then.


...After my Mum had passed away, there were a few items left over from the garage sale. They were items that spoke to me, but I was so emotionally drained I didn't listen. When I had returned home, a flight of five hours, I dreamt about these items. They are, one stable table, for eating dinner off while watching TV, and a small jug, one from a set of three, that my sister and I had already divided up. I couldn't stop thinking about them. I wanted them back, but we had given the left overs to Vinnies.


Unfortunately a few weeks later I had to fly back home, my Nana had passed away. But, there was something magically about to happen. I was picked up from the airport and would have to drive straight past the Vinnies store we dropped the items off at, I couldn't drive past without looking.


I walked in the shop and was instantly drawn to the two items. I held them close as if Mum was hugging me. The shop assistant asked me what I was doing and after I told her my story, she wouldn't let me pay, but I donated money instead. I use the stable table most nights and the little jar has it's rightfully place on the mantle too...


Mum did it to make amends and I just casually threw it all away. I'm sorry Mum, really I am. I can only hope you know my regret and where ever you are you know that I do appreciate your effort. I know you thought it was what you needed to do, and I am gratefully. But now you are gone, I cling to all that was yours and hope one day, somewhere, somehow, I will see that quilt again.



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