Her Resentment

Photo Credit - brokenarts

It is interesting what we remember from childhood. My memories are very vivid and some of what I remember has not always had a good impact on me.

That first night that I would start my life on the farm is full of bad memories. The conversation he and she had leaves a distastefully taste in my mouth. He had not spoken to her about my returning and living permanently on the farm. She showed her displeasure from the moment I walked in the door. A displeasure she reminded me of for the next fifteen years. I was Twelve.

The last few sentences of their conversation are the ones that plagued me the most “I will have nothing to do with bringing her up,” she announced. I was standing less than a few metres away as she pointed at me. “That's ok I will,” he responded. 

The black cloud that hung over her everywhere she went frightened me. I tried to avoid her as much as possible and stuck like glue to his side. Her resentment of me was blatantly obvious to me but no one else seemed to notice or if they did they never said.

She would push past me, knock me to the floor, not let me wear a seat belt in the car. Slam doors on me, lock me out of the house, remove the toilet paper from the loo and empty vacuum dust in my bed. She would throw things at me, chase me with the bulldozer and she would take away all my blankets on cold nights and cut the cord on the electric blanket. When she gave me a haircut it was always crooked and she would cut the back of my neck with the scissors.

She would make her own Easter eggs and mine where mixed with kerosene. When I asked him once to taste mine, he could taste the kero, but he said that I had put it in the eggs to trick him. When I sucked the chocolate, it didn't seem as bad as crunching them, however the day I gave one to the dog to eat and it refused, I never ate another Easter egg she made again.

When meals times were ready she would never call me and when I would finally come inside my dinner would be on the table cold and blown with maggots. As she wouldn't let me go to the fridge or cupboards and that was the only meal I would get, I'd pick out the maggots ( yes I'm pretty sure I missed a few) and eat the meal cold. On a few occasions I noticed tablets in my meals. Squashed in with the mashed potatoes. I tried not to eat those but she would hover over me and make me eat every scrap. Not long after I would feel sleepy and go to bed, I have no idea what she did to me after that.

I had to do my own laundry and never knew about separating colours or woollens and dedicates. All my clothes went into cold muddy water (she made me fetch the water straight from the dam, I was not allowed to use the rainwater) with whatever crumbs of washing powder I could sweep off the floor, generally I just used the soap I used in the shower.

Now the bathroom was interesting, I could never leave any personal belongings in the bathroom, if I did she would throw them out or burn them. One night I forgot my towel and she swooped in and burnt it. I had no other towel and had to use a shirt to dry myself off for weeks until we went to town and I bought a new one.

When other people were around she would belittle me to them saying I was dumb and never be any good because I could not do simple chores. How I was dirty because my clothes always had stains on them or how crinkled they were. Well if I had been showing how to wash and iron properly I'm sure I'd look better.

Every moment every opportunity she would find away to continually remind that I was an intrusion.

In my own hind sight, I see that her resentment was not at me but at him. However because she was meant to act out the faithfully and loyal housewife, working side by side her farmer husband she lashed out at me instead.

Her misdirected resentment caused me years of helplessness and unworthiness. Something that I certainly do not endorse in my life any more. Neither he or she will ever have an impact on my life again. I am where I am today because of one person and one person only...ME!!

Footnote: I now eat maggot free meals. I wash clothes with clean fresh water and buy good Australian washing powder. I even own an iron. I have stacks of toilet paper piled up in the loo and always wear a seat belt.