Taking Back My Power



Photo Credit - andysteel



A powerful shift began to take place and with it it brought fear. The difference was the fear was not mine this time.


I had begun to find my voice that he had silenced fifteen years earlier and as I prised his fingers from the grip around my life, he began to panic.


He went to extraordinary lengths to stop me but I was more aware of his presence than ever before and the more he tried to hold on the more I gained my power back.


Day after day he became desperate and day after day I saw my freedom waving at me from a far. I would end his torment of me and I would end the secret I had kept, no longer would I physically allow him to touch me.


He had me pinned down to the bed, his hands pressed hard on my shoulders, his knee wedged into my stomach. I stared right into his blue eyes and said “If you rape me I'll go straight to the police and it will be the last thing you ever do,”


He held me a moment longer searching my face for the...I give in...expression I had worn so often before. But not this time. I was resolved to the fact that the only way out from here on in, was if one of us was dead.


He let me up and scoffed that I wouldn't have the guts to dob. Little did he know and little did he know about me. When I finally got to that place inside myself where my voice had been hiding deep within, I unlocked the door and screamed out loud for the first time in ages. He had no idea what I was capable of doing to survive and survive I would.


I screamed at him to get out of my bedroom and he promptly said 'it was his house and he could do what ever he liked in it.'


He lunged at me and repeatedly punched me. I struggled to push him away but he had hold of me and so my flight response deferred to fight response. I grabbed him in a headlock and punched at him. He tried to trip me up but I was aware of his warfare. He grabbed at my breast and twisted it hard, the pain was excruciating and I had to let him go.
“You prick,” I hissed at him.


Mocking me he laughed.
“There's no way you can ever think you could beat me in a fight,”
It was happening and I couldn't stop it. The time to stand and fight for me. The time to stand and fight for my life. The consequences were of little concern. I was not going to let him hurt me another second.


I engaged and I took my southpaw stance. Again he mocked me by his laugh. He puffed out his chest and engaged and we stood fist to fist in my bedroom.
He threw the first punch hitting me in the mouth and I felt a surge of all the pain, anger, hurt, dissappointment, fear and worthiness that I had pushed deep within me spiral out of my hand as I hit him. He fell backwards with a heavy thud and I stood over him and demanded he “Stay down,”


A powerful shift had begun to take place and it would be many years later I'd fully comprehend what actually took place that day. The fear was his but the power was mine.