A women screamed. People ran blindly in every direction.
Lights flashed and sirens wailed.
Hysteria erupted.
What the fuck is going on Jilly thought.
A guy ran past mumbling...'she's dead, she's dead...,'
A crowd gathered near the Elephant enclosure.
Jilly pushed her way through and came to a wall.
She couldn't see anything, but now she was trapped.
The crowd rushed forward and squashed her.
This is not good...I have to get out of here Jilly said to herself.
She looked up and saw a rail.
If I.....Jilly jumped.....can grab that rail.....Jilly jumped again.....then I'll be ok.
Got it....Jilly dangled....christ don't let go now....swinging her legs, she made it.
Shit a brick...so that's what happened.
A large elephant held a small, limp body in her trunk.
Distressed, the elephant made a deep gurgling sound and rocked back and forth on her front feet. Reliving the painfully memory of her own baby loss.
Jilly jumped into the enclosure.
Taking a few slow steps towards the elephant, Jilly said in a reassuring voice, "It's ok, you've done a good job,"
The elephant made another deep rumble. She lifted one foot up and held it in the air.
"You're a good matriarch," Jilly said.
For hundreds of years elephants have survived on instinct and intelligence. She recognised herself in the mirror imagine of Jilly and knew she could trust this stranger.
As the huge elephant took her first step toward Jilly, the crowd fell silent.
Jilly held her breathe, Fuck that's one big animal.
The elephant held out her trunk to pass the little body to Jilly.
Jilly could see the elephant's eye soften.
"Is she alive?" an Ambulance officer asked.
"I think so," Jilly nodded.
The crowd cheered.
Relieved, Jilly gazed in awe. The elephant meant no harm. She was just doing what mother's do....protect.
More active and better use of punctuation this time :)
ReplyDeleteWatch the apostrophe 's'. Your mumbling guy's words need to be in inverted commas and he needs apostrophes in the "she's".
The only other confusing bit that stumbled my reading rhythm was: The elephant held out her trunk to pass the little body to Jilly.
Jilly could see her eye soften. Whose eye softened? Jilly's or the Elephant's? You need to make it clear so that the reader doesn't stumble on who you are referring to.
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Mxx
What the fuck is going on? Jilly
ReplyDelete(put the thought in italics)
A guy ran past mumbling, "Shes dead, shes dead."
"Not good...I have to get out of here," Jilly said to herself.
(put all thoughts while hilly is jumping in italics, actions not italicized)
Jilly held her breathe.
then italicize this: Fuck that's one big animal.
Jilly could see her eye soften.
could see, could be tightened to saw. but to make it active (and less ambiguous) You'd say
The elephant's expression softened around the eyes.
"Is she alive?" an Ambulance officer asked.
(no capitalization on dialogue tags)
"I think so." Jilly nodded.
(no comma in dialogue unless it's a said tag: said, asked, etc)
Very few little nits this time. This scene was much more immediate. Wonderful job!