Pulling his reading glasses down and folding the newspaper away, Jack stood, annoyed by the distraction. There was a great racket outside his house.
Yelling, screaming and squealing.
He pushed the creaky weathered fly screen door open and peered outside. A gathering of people stood on the road.
He grabbed his walking stick and haunched over slowly shuffled outside.
The group parted as he approached. Their silence deafening his ears.
His neighbour compassionately patted him on the back as he stared at the body.Shell shocked back to trenches of war, Jack could still hear the screams and the smell of death burnt scars of horror in his memory.
“I'm sorry granddad,” A little voice from behind said.
Jack looked at the boy. He could see his son's face reflected in the boys smile.
“It's ok,” Jack mumbled.The boy gently vanished and Jack shuffled back inside.
Ummmm...you're playing with some interesting Post Traumatic Stress Disorder techniques here. Love to see you branching further afield, every single day.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get this bit around how Jack stood? (Jack annoyingly stood.) Did you mean he was annoyed and stood up?
"There silence...." Did you mean the silence of the group (their)? If you meant the silence at that place, you are correct in using, "there".
sons face needs an apostrophe as it is the face of the son.
See you in the morn. Also, have some info about a writer's festival in Ubud that I would VERY much like to go to.
Thanks, bloody typo's.
ReplyDeleteI made the changes you suggested, ta.
This one too, Jules: The boy gentle vanished. Is it supposed to be "gently" perhaps?
ReplyDeleteThis could be an example of the difference b/w telling and showing. You have told us what he did but through writing and description of the child's actions you could finish this off be showing us how the child blended back into the group.