There was mass hysteria. Women were screaming and crying. Lights flashing and sirens wailing.
People were running blind in every direction.
What the fuck is going on, Jilly thought.
A guy ran past her mumbling...shes dead, shes dead....
A crowd had gathered near the Elephant enclosure.
Jilly pushed her way through the crowd and came to a wall.
The crowd pushed in and Jilly could feel herself being crushed against the wall.
"Back off." Jilly yelled it fell on deaf ears.
I have to get out of here...The only way out was up.
Jilly jumped up on the wall. It was then she noticed what had happened.
There was a large female elephant holding a small limp body in her trunk.
The elephant made a deep gurgling sound and rocked gentle back and forth on her front feet.
Jilly jumped into the enclosure.
Taking a few slow steps towards the elephant, Jilly said in a reassuring voice, "It's ok, you have done a good job." The elephant made another deep rumble. She lifted one foot up and held it in the air.
"You're a good matriarch." Jilly said.
For hundreds of years elephants have survived on instinct and this elephant knew, that she could trust this person. As the huge elephant took her first step towards Jilly, the loud noise of the crowd fell silent.
The elephant held out her trunk to pass the little limp body to Jilly.
Jilly took the little body and placed it on the long green grass. There was a weak pulse.
"Is she alive?" An ambulance officer said kneeling down next to Jilly.
"Yes." Jilly answered.The crowd started cheering.
"What was that?"
Jilly stood up and gazed in awe at the elephant and then said, "It's what all mothers do...protect."
Front page news over the country if not the world read...'Local woman a hero after saving a 3 year old girl from the jaws of a wild elephant.'
Jilly laughed when she read it, There was only one hero in that enclosure and it wasn't me.
Read More: http://imaginifbusiness.blogspot.com/2010/06/dont-cry-bambi.html
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteI'm going to give some feedback, if you don't mind. This is very good, but I think you could make it more active.
Hysteria erupted. Women screamed and cried. Lights flashed, sirens wailed.
People ran blind in every direction.
(see how I dropped all the was and were and made this active? See if you like it. If not, ignore me)
What the fuck is going on, Jilly thought.
A guy ran past her mumbling...shes dead, shes dead....
A crowd had gathered near the Elephant enclosure.
Jilly pushed her way through the crowd and came to a wall.
(good through here!)
The crowd pushed in and Jilly could feel herself being crushed against the wall.
(Pull us closer to Jilly's experience. Instead of telling us "could feel" have us feel it with her.
Example: The crowd rushed forward, crushing Jilly against the wall. Her elbow scraped against something sharp. A nail. She covered the bloody wound with her hand and pressed forward again.)
"Back off." Jilly yelled, it fell on deaf ears.
(I don't like this comma splice. period after yelled.)
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteI have to get out of here...The only way out was up.
Jilly jumped up on the wall. It was then she noticed what had happened.
(Show this. Example: She had to get out. She looked up. That'd do it. If only---she jumped---if only she could get up the wall. She found a stone a few feet over and stepped on it. She pulled herself onto the wall and looked back.
Fuck. So that's what happened.
Keep in mind this is my voice. It's more about letting us experience with Jilly than the exact words I'm suggesting)
There was a large female elephant holding a small limp body in her trunk.
(You don't need "there was" Try this: A large elephant held a small, limp body in her trunk.)
The elephant made a deep gurgling sound and rocked gentle back and forth on her front feet.
(you can cut gentle. the "rocked" implied gentle, imo.)
Jilly jumped into the enclosure.
Taking a few slow steps towards the elephant, Jilly said in a reassuring voice, "It's ok, you have done a good job." The elephant made another deep rumble. She lifted one foot up and held it in the air.
"You're a good matriarch." Jilly said.
(comma after matriarch since you used the dialogue tag)
For hundreds of years elephants have survived on instinct and this elephant knew[,] [that] she could trust this person. As the huge elephant took her first step towards Jilly, the [loud noise of the] crowd fell silent.
(delete the parts in brackets. That comma isn't needed and that "that" is not either. It's a waste word in this case.)
The elephant held out her trunk to pass the little [limp] body to Jilly.
(we already know it's limp)
Jilly took the [little] body and placed it on the long green grass. There was a weak pulse.
(if the grass is green, no need to say so. that's normal. consider this:
Jilly placed the (girl? boy?) on the ground. The overgrown grass cushioned the (child's?) head. Jilly lifted the (little girl/boy's) wrist and checked for a pulse.
Faint.)
"Is she alive?" An ambulance officer said kneeling down next to Jilly.
"Yes." Jilly answered.
Comma after yes. My blog has a post on dialogue punctuation that may help.
The crowd started cheering.
(The crowd cheered--if they started then they did it)
"What was that?"
Jilly stood [up] and gazed in awe at the elephant and then said, "It's what all mothers do...protect."
(watch directionals. we wouldn't think she stood down. stand up works)
Front page news over the country if not the world read...'Local woman a hero after saving a 3 year old girl from the jaws of a wild elephant.'
Jilly laughed when she read it, There was only one hero in that enclosure and it wasn't me.
(period after "it")
Overall, this is an excellent piece. I hope you don't mind the critique notes. I can't seem to leave things alone when I see such easy potential. Your oblique approach to story telling is fantastic and intriguing.
Becca
That's beautiful and thorough feedback you've given, Julie, Becca. You are a wonderful critical friend to have along for the ride.
ReplyDeleteJulie, love the plot and the development but I agree with Becca re the passive vs active voice and describing rather than telling.
If you write in Word, run a grammar check and it will bring you up a percentage of passive sentences. Rework those sentences to make them active - I am for zero passivity but sometimes, real speech, colloquialisms and slanguage just sound better written in a passive voice. Choice is yours dependent upon the voice of your piece and the voice of the character.
Two things I REALLY LOVE about this piece is that you put your own animals understanding and whispering into it (re the Elephant knew she could trust the chicky babe who jumped into the arena) and the notion of the matriarch protecting the young juxtaposed with the assumptions being made about hero status.
Thanks Becca and Megan, Yes I agree with you. My tense lets me down. I'm not loud enough in my active voice. I like writing in the story telling genre, but I am working on using more describing and active tense voice.
ReplyDeleteI will rewrite this piece using your sugestions.
I don't use Word, I use Open Office. I might buy myself a copy of Word.