“Excuse me,” Eli said. “but I think that fish is dead,”
Eli directed the keepers attention to a fish floating upside down.
The keeper a mid aged woman with nice tanned skin giggled through her hand.
“Oh no that's just a lion fish they do that sometimes, if they feel threatened they flip over,”
Eli nodded in thanks. It was his first trip to the coast and the young girl behind the tour desk said a trip to the aquarium was good value. He shuffled through the pamphlet there was nothing in it about an upside down lion fish.He caught his reflection in the glass window and almost didn't recognise himself. He had lost weight and his face withdrawn. A full beard hid the flaws of grief. He looked at his reflection's eyes and they were sullied. It had been two years since the accident.
Eli felt a strange sensation wash over him. He looked at the floor and it moved up and down in wave like motions. He staggered to the wall and steadied himself. He stared at his reflection in the glass window and saw his young brother smiling back, he rubbed his face with his hand. He couldn't breathe, his throat tightened and the tunnel closed in on him.
He gasped for a breathe but the hands of grief squeezed his lungs. Beads of cold sweat ran down his face from his brow, red tractor, his vision blurry he closed his eyes, hot white lines burned into his pupils, quickly opening his eyes black spots popped in and out of his vision, red tractor rolled on, his fingers and hands tingled pins and needles, he tried to shake the feeling back but a deep knot tightened in the pit of his stomach and his heart raced draining the blood from his face, he turned pale.
Dizzy he staggered a few steps before dropping to his knees, shaking his head wildly to regain clarity, red tractor rolled on his little brother, he propped himself on his hands and let go of the feeling and vomited.
“Hey mate, hey buddy you alright?” a stranger asked. Gently shaking Eli by the shoulders, who had rolled onto his back. Eli opened his eyes and warmly smiled at the good Samaritan.
“Yes I am,” he thought fondly for a moment and said “I'm doing a lion fish.”
He gasped for a breathe but the hands of grief squeezed his lungs. Beads of cold sweat ran down his face from his brow, red tractor, his vision blurry he closed his eyes, hot white lines burned into his pupils, quickly opening his eyes black spots popped in and out of his vision, red tractor rolled on, his fingers and hands tingled pins and needles, he tried to shake the feeling back but a deep knot tightened in the pit of his stomach and his heart raced draining the blood from his face, he turned pale.
Dizzy he staggered a few steps before dropping to his knees, shaking his head wildly to regain clarity, red tractor rolled on his little brother, he propped himself on his hands and let go of the feeling and vomited.
“Hey mate, hey buddy you alright?” a stranger asked. Gently shaking Eli by the shoulders, who had rolled onto his back. Eli opened his eyes and warmly smiled at the good Samaritan.
“Yes I am,” he thought fondly for a moment and said “I'm doing a lion fish.”
Julie....did you write that! FANTASTIC. Very creative and a huge step away from your usual style. Wonderful, wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI throw you a challenge: How can you show your telling of FLASH? Pretend that you cannot use a word that symbolises post traumatic symptoms and behaviours but you have to instead describe the happenings in Eli's head - picture by picture.
Next I see you face to face, I'll show you how to decide where commas go. It's a simple trick to break the sentence up and make it easy for the readers brain to take it all in.
Eli felt a strange sensation wash over him. He looked at the floor and it moved up and down in wave like motions. He staggered to the wall and steadied himself. He stared at his reflection in the glass window and saw his young brother smiling back, he rubbed his face with his hand. He couldn't breathe, his throat tightened and the tunnel closed in on him. He gasped for a breathe but the hands of grief squeezed his lungs. Beads of cold sweat ran down his face from his brow, red tractor, his vision blurry he closed his eyes, hot white lines burned into his pupils, quickly opening his eyes black spots popped in and out of his vision, red tractor rolled on, his fingers and hands tingled pins and needles, he tried to shake the feeling back but a deep knot tightened in the pit of his stomach and his heart raced draining the blood from his face, he turned pale. Dizzy he staggered a few steps before dropping to his knees, shaking his head wildly to regain clarity, red tractor rolled on his little brother, he propped himself on his hands and let go of the feeling and vomited.
ReplyDeleteWoohoo....that is show as opposed to tell.
ReplyDeleteYou are Julia Gillard. CONGRATULATIONS.
Thank You!
ReplyDeleteIf you get another chance read it again.
Hmmm not a fan of Julia Gillard's, but coming from you I know it is good and since she seems to have the same initals as me I take that as a good omen. :)
Wow! You go girl! I love your description of his reaction - and the line at the end. I so agree with Megan - this piece is incredible :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks MG, The description was put in after Megan first spyed it. But I see how it refects more in showing than telling, that is something I will try and work on.
ReplyDeleteI like the last line too, it made me feel free of my own grief. :)